Welcome to a live blogging of the least culturally relevant music awards known to humanity. Where UK record company execs pat each other on the back, do their lines, and generally try to give meaning to their empty empty lives.
It is tradition in our household to watch the Brits, for better or worse, and play the "guess who's gonna win" game.
Here we go, hit refresh every wee while for more.
20:00 - It's on!! Lily Allen is miming whislt dressed like Shirley Bassey on a bad day, singing "The Fear" (a song which made it onto the festive spill last year, y'know!)
20:02 - Is she making some sort of biting comment on bankers here? Or were her set designers just told to "do british, cos it's the Brits, yeah?"
20:03 - It's official - Allen looks "dog rough, like a tranny, like Elizabeth Taylor"
20:04 - Peter Kaye has arrived; with a lead balloon in tow.
20:05 - Sam Fox is having a wee ride in the lead balloon....
20:06 - They've fucked it up already. I think Geri Halliwell's crotch has won something.
20:07 - This is too hilarious already.....
20:08 - Gollum is onstage....or has Mel B not left yet....
20:09 - I say Dizzee for best male. Mrs McF agrees. - YES! HE"S WON!! Dig it. Mini McF's artist of the last few years too.
20:09 - "Max Factor" seems to be rhyming slang for "actor" these days.
20:10 - JLS are indeed an all black all male version of Bucks Fizz - spot on from Mr Kaye there..
20:11 - Our least favourite JLS member is the one with googly eyes, he looks like his hobbies are R&B and Child Molestation.
20:20 - Best Int Solo Male - Seasick Steve vs Springsteen - there's a bar brawl I'd like to see. Jay-Z is actually there, so it must be him....it is..... Seasick Steve looks more pissed than disappointed - at least it's a square meal, and a warm evening in for him....
20:23 - Noddy Holder is doing the new Bond theme? The noms for best LP of the last 30 years (Keane, Dido, Dire Straits, Travis) make me want to cry. Oasis have won it!!
20:25 - Ape man from oasis got muted, he did a sweary, had a go at his brother and wandered off in the wrong direction. Wasted. Now, talking of wastes... here's Kasabian!
20:32 -Kasabian were on fire. Well their stage set was. They were predictably dull.
20:34 - Next award - best breakthru - Geri is backpedalling for not thanking her fellow spice girls earlier. Kula Shaker are getting a severe bashing from a former spice girl - ?!?!?!! Anyways - best breakthru - I say La Roux, she says Florence....but JLS win
20:39 - the rapey looking one from JLS is damn sinister...
20:40 legend alert!!! COURTNEY LOVE!!!!
20:41 - WE LOVE COURTNEY LOVE!! Sing for us!!!
20:42 - Boo hiss. Courtney is straight, and she's given an award to Ellie Goulding for what exactly? Pointless...
20:43 - Lady Gaga time!! This will be good!
20:44 - Lady Gaga is Liberace for the Tenties.
20:45 - put down the piano love, and get out the FLAMING BOOBIES!
20:46 - Is this the Brits or a Leigh Bowery nightmare?
20:47 - this is not dissimilar to some first year art-school performance art i had the misfortune of seeing back in the 90s.
20:54 - British group - probs Muse - its gone to Kasabian, get ready with the mute button
20:56 - Kasabian are the missing - but not missed - link.
20:58 - international breakthru award - AnCo vs lady Gaga - there can only be one winner. I'm saying Gaga, and so is she. The winner is.........GAGA! THE ELEPHANT WOMAN OF MODERN POP.
21:01 - Time for a duet - Florence and Dizzee
21:02 - Dizzee is repping good, I'm glad Floz is just doing the chorus.
21:04 - If there was a category for "best bellowing" Floz would be a shoe-in.
21:05 - Why is James Hewitt Jr on my telly-box??
21:09 - These epically long ad breaks are quite a relief really.
21:10 - Best Int Fem Solo - Gaga or Shakira - we think - GAGA strikes again. "Oh, doctor you've been sho sho kind to me...". Dammit, I'm now losing....
21:13 - Despite approx 15 years of heroin and crack abuse, Whitney Houston looks remarkably chipper....
21:15 Floz or Bat? Lily walks it.....I thought she'd retired to run a knocking shop.
21:17 - Who let the professional entertainers in? This is the Brits dammit!! Jay-Z take your amazing flow and stage presence, and SLING YER 'OOK!
21:18 - Jay Z has two drummers, like The Fall or prime period Pavement.
21:21 - I bet you a fiver Jay-Z is hiding eels in his trousers.
21:23 - There's an app for eel to trouser ratio baggage, y'know.
21:28 - Mika is drivelling, endlessly. Best int LP - Anco -vs JayZ vs Gaga - tough call....gone to GAGAGAGAGGAGGAGAGAGAAAAAAAAAAARGHH!
21:30 @bishbosh - thanks for tuning in!!
21:31 - The cats' chorus of Cheryl Cole has attracted my cat Mewsli into the room...funny how i can;t tell the difference between this song and the JLS one...
21:34 - Oi Cole!! Miming means to move your lips IN TIME to the backing track....
21:36 - Best Brit single then..... as voted by Sun readers..... I'm going for Cole. She says Pixie Lott. The winner is....JLS. JLS stands for Jack the Lad Swing apparently.
21:40 - Tom Ford is looking immaculate, and time for best Brit LP - the big one - I'm going Dizzee. She says Floz. She has beaten me for yet another year.
21:42 - Floz will look like Janet Street Porter in a few years, no one will play her music, and I will wish i never watched this pointless parade.
21:46 - Is that it? or will Elton John be on soon, to duet with Paulo Nutini, to make my dreams come true, as SClub7 receive a lifetime acheivement award...
21:49 - Oh! It's gone to Thee Silver Mt Zion Memorial Orchestra and Tra-La-La band instead!! *
21:50 - *not
21:51 - Robbie just yelled "c'mon Glastonbury" - i think that says it all....
21:56 - we have a funny story about RW from when she worked at MTV, unfortunately we can't print it, not even on the internet.
21:57 - unless Take That come onstage, this is the last update, thanks for listening - see youse next year! Ta ta! xx